幸運

躺下，張口，把一齊交給牙醫。

牙醫是香港人，同我講：磨牙會痛，會幫你打麻針。

好呀，由你決定。我說。

我唔特別怕打針，捐血、抽血，一年打針都幾次。不過，在口腔打針是第二回事。牙肉淺，每次牙醫打針，我都覺得針頭扎進骨頭。我知，那是錯覺。

工具打磨牙齒，傳來嗞嗞的聲音。時間過得很慢，雖然麻醉藥發生效用，我沒感覺到痛，但張口太久，有點累。

半個鐘過去，牙醫叫我漱口。他說：護士兩點半要走，你隻牙仲未補完，要等診所安排下一位護士。

等候期間，我們閒聊了一陣，你幾時來英國？有冇返香港？覺得英國點？

十分鐘過去，還未有護士過來。牙醫發揮了香港人的特質，叫我躺下，他獨自完成補牙工作。

他說：你住得遠，揸幾個鐘頭車過來，想一次過幫你補完。

我不知要怎樣多謝他。困擾我半年的牙痛問題，終於處理好。望穿秋水。

離開前，我跟他說：中秋快樂。

係喎。他笑著說。今日中秋。

中秋日

揸咗兩個幾鐘頭車到朋友屋企

唔知係咪星期五好多人work from home

路路暢通冇特別塞車慢車

都冇諗過去朋友屋企慶中秋

只不過我睇開的牙醫在朋友屋企附近

幾星期期牙醫話要擇日先幫我補到牙

所以咁啱得咁橋就來了朋友家

中秋日天陰微雨

希望今日雲破月露

千里共嬋娟

改詩

監考太無聊，常神遊太虛，想到王國維在《人間詞話》評〈青青河畔草〉。他說「昔為倡家女，今為蕩子婦； 蕩子行不歸，空床難獨守」這四句「可謂淫鄙之尤。然無視爲淫詞、鄙詞者，以其真也。」

我雖同意王國維的看法，但我更加覺得這四句是後來加上去的，令本來朦朧帶點神秘的詩，變成道德說教之作。不過，無論這幾句的情是如何的真，我還是不喜歡這四句的淫鄙。從河邊草到園中柳，鏡頭由遠至近，然後抬頭上望，看到月下佳人，再來個close up，看到玉臉素手，已經很夠了。其他不用多說。

如果我將這首漢樂府的詩放到英國會如何呢？首先，青草和垂柳的地方要互調，改成「青青園中草，依依河邊柳」。英國的柳樹多種在河邊，而草地則在庭園之內。至於英國的（維多利亞日時代）的淑女會否在樓臺看月，則乃後話了。

平淡的一天

送完K返工開車到車房，放低車匙，走進玻璃室，那是車房給客人工作和休息之用。我有備而來，開電腦、寫文章。不用三十分鐘，女職員過來跟我說完成了，盛惠95鎊。好的，付款後，我問能否再留片刻，我想完成手頭的工作。Of course, as long as you wish。女職員笑說。

我走到大廳，用咖啡機沖了一杯黑咖啡，又走回玻璃房。青芽兒的文章還有些需要修改的地方，我也想整理一下星期六分享會的內容。車房很靜，或者，我很專注，想不到車房成為舒適的自修環境。

早上沒吃什麼，有點餓，接K放工，她也餓了。吃什麼好？上個月生日收到Carvery的禮券，消費25鎊減10鎊，還有幾天便過期。兩點了，不如早些吃晚飯？K也同意，我便開車到Carvery。

兩份Regular燒牛肉加All you can eat的配菜，我愛吃餐廳的芝士焗椰菜花和烤洋蔥，但最吸引我的並非那裡的食物，而是閒適的氣氛。明天又開始監考了，好好享受今日午後的時光。

四點前吃完晚飯，之後到附近雜貨店買蛋，回家做運動和看電視，八點就寢，期待中秋。

分享會

這次分享會籌備多時，參與的朋友比預期多，把小店擠滿了。我和K四點抵達，街坊朋友陸續來到，五點開始，大人圍圈而坐，暢談做父母的苦與樂，幾位小朋友在小店外的空地玩耍，我們幾個男人在外面看著他們。

我們都很珍惜這次分享會，大家坦誠分享，從別人的經歷中反思自己的教養方式。每個家庭都有自己的故事，每個子女都是獨一無二的，希望將來做家長的可以繼續互相扶持，在這條移英的路上走得更愉快。

有人分享一家大細睇The Middle（Netflix平台），讓子女明白父母的處境，亦讓家人透過劇中人物看到自己的影子；也有朋友分享BBC iPlayer的The Motherland和The Amandaland，兩部劇提及女性在養育子女時面對的困難，如在職母親於Half Term時找人照顧子女、子女踏入青春期的溝通方法等等。 

我則分享了Angela Hui的Takeaway: Stories from a Childhood behind the Counter。雖然Angela的家庭背景與我們這些近年移英的家庭有所不同，但在英國出生、成長的Angela在書中談及的成長經歷及感受，仍值得香港人家長細味。書中部份節錄如下： 

 關於學習中文： By age six, I was sparring with Mum every weekend because I was hell-bent against going to Chinese school and she was adamant we should be bilingual in Wales. I threw tantrums, only to be coaxed into learning by the promise of dim sum before lessons. This kept going until I was 16, hobbling over the finish line to finally achieve a B in Chinese at GCSE level. Much to my dismay, my brothers both got As and I didn't hear the end of it. I felt proud I'd managed to even get this far and regarded the GCSE as the light at the end of the tunnel. Mum, however, nagged me to keep going and learn Mandarin too for her sake. I carried on for another year or two, but eventually dropped learning Chinese, ostensibly due to time constraints and preparing for university. In reality, I always struggled to see the point of Cantonese because it served no purpose for me other than for helping in the takeaway or when going back to see family in Hong Kong. We lived in Wales, an English-speaking country, everyone in my life spoke English, so why would I need to speak any other language? Looking back, I regret not studying harder and not continuing with my Chinese studies. I made the conscious decision to disassociate myself from my language and community. Most immigrants (often subconsciously) make a choice at some point to embrace the host country's culture and language while dismissing or rejecting their heritage. I realise, in retrospect, the importance of learning my ancestral tongue. Not just to stay connected with my family's heritage, but as something that's intertwined with my identity, memories and sense of self. I am thankful that Mum forced me to hold on to Chinese, it was a reminder to not forget who I was and to take ownership of a culture and language that could have been potentially lost. At least I can speak and hold conversations fluently with friends and family (albeit at the proficiency level of an eight-year-old), and I'm glad to be a slightly rusty native speaker. 

關於和父母溝通的語言障礙： For years, I'd resented Mum for not sticking to her language courses and Dad for not even making an effort. It would've made life a whole lot easier if they spoke English, spoke the same language as us kids, and we might've understood each other a bit better rather than speaking in tongues through the language of food. My parents and I never seemed to be in sync and danced to each other's offbeats. I pinned the blame on them, for not learning, for not trying, for their laziness, but now I realise how deeply hypocritical that was. Mum and Dad had always shown up for us in their own way. They did things for me and my brothers despite their limited English skills. I'd spent a good part of my life pushing away from them, but I was really pushing away from my own guilt and frustration. 

關於香港人處事的文化： We're taught not to speak out, not to rock the boat, keep our heads down and to fit in for fear of attracting unwanted attention on ourselves and our family. For my parents, silence is a form of protection, and dealing with matters on our own means safety. They see the mistreatment as the price of doing business and just another obstacle they have to overcome. An immigrant family in a foreign country trying to sprout and flourish in an alien environment. Working twice as hard just to make something of ourselves in a place where we don't belong, there'll be things that'll stunt or squash our growth along the way. 

關於文化差異及融入： When my parents came to the UK it was a big milestone for them, but in reality, it was survival of the most adapted. Whoever does not assimilate in a different land is destined to be secluded and annihilated. Socially integrated and upwardly mobile, compliant workers are valued for their economic usefulness. Despite my mum's attempt to learn English and my parents obtaining driving licences and applying for British passports, the anxieties remained; we would always be perceived as outsiders and never be considered 'one of us'. When tricky customers walk through our door, into our home, telling us to go back 'home' or throwing the food we've served back in our faces, it's a reminder that we aren't welcome and shows how easily our voices, even at their most unified, can be ignored. We're on little more than probation. 

關於自己的文化身份： （讀大學時被追問Where are you from時）I know it is a simple, genuine question and they want to get to know me better, but I feel a pang of tiny annoyance every time someone asks where I'm from. The cumulative effect of these interactions adds up to a significant burden. My internal organs collapse into a rich mulch that coats my bowels and throat, my face falling, giving a gormless impression and perhaps also a bit on fire. I can see the cogs turning in their heads and the confused looks on their faces. How can a person like me, a descendant of Asian immigrants with Asian features, be from Wales? So, after what seems like the longest pause from my initial introduction, I blurt out and laugh, 'My parents are from Hong Kong and China, we own a Chinese takeaway and we sell egg fried rice for a living.'

分享會之後，大家在小店吃晚餐，繼續閒聊，小朋友自成一國，交換畫冊。中秋近了，天黑得快，小店的黃光顯得特別明亮，更暖人心。

感觸

早上讀李珣的《巫山一段雲》，下午到某個散貨場outlet，頗有感觸。商場的名字雖叫outlet，但規模遠不及香港東薈城或日本海濱的商場，大小就像某些公共屋邨的露天商場。我第一次到訪，是三年前的11月，那是我在英倫東北過的第一個冬天，那天我和K參加完某個香港人組織的活動，順道過來走走，踏雪而行，呼吸氤氳，風景是其次，當時初到此地，心境如新。

之後一年多閒，時有過來閒逛，在Garden centre買了些英國製香精，也光顧了旁邊的Cafe，後來工作多了，便再沒有過來。想不到一別兩年，outlet面目全非。Gar
den Centre和Cafe已結業，很多店都關了門，餘下的大多是散貨場和二手店，景色一片暗淡。

看到此情此景，我更能感受李珣的情懷，就是那種看到人去樓空而「往事思悠悠」的感觸，那些逝去日子。「雲雨朝還暮，煙花春復秋。啼猿何必近孤舟，行客自多愁。」

一小時生活圈

大約一星期前儀表板亮起了警告信息，提示我還有400英里便要換機油。我計一計數，下星期二至四監考，星期五南下看牙醫，車輛出了什麼狀況，可不是小事。為免因小失大，我立刻上網預約今日做檢查，順便換機油。

八點左右將車子放到代理的車房，雖然費用比外邊的車房高一點，但為了心安（英國人常說的peace of mind），我還是樂意每月貨金，為車子買原廠保養。

放下車輛，簽了文件，走到市中心，途中經過鐵橋，眺望河口，晨光初現，波光粼粼，帆船倒映河上，是秋日的清寧。走進酒吧，有幾枱客人在閒聊，窗邊的一位伯伯在讀報，老花眼鏡架在鼻尖。我坐他對面，他稍稍抬頭望向我，我笑著點頭打招呼，他點一點頭又低下頭讀報。我喜歡這種小城氣氛，淡靜中有一種生氣。

我享受酒吧早上的閒逸，無閒添飲的咖啡更暖人脾胃。慢吃一個小時，走到文化中心逛美術展，不是什麼藝術家的大作，大多是街坊作品，但我卻看得津津有味。

收到訊息，車輛底盤的蓋不見了，大概是過Speed bump時掉下。我授權付款，以為可以即日處理，怎知代理車房的職員打給我，說要再約時間。不是吧，我下星期二開始便忙個不停了，只得星期一有空。職員看看時間表，跟我說星期一上午11點有空檔，現在可以先取回車子。

算吧，都習慣了。在英國生活，很多事情急不來，幸好還有星期一，還有在這個小城，用走的都能處理生活問題。

魚翅瓜的記憶

今日閉關寫文章，幸好讀了Angela Hui的Takeaway: Stories From a Childhood Behind the Counter，內容給我很多寫作靈感。她寫道：「An immigrant family in a foreign country trying to sprout and flourish in an alien environment. Working twice as hard just to make something of ourselves in a place where we don’t belong, there’ll be things that’ll stunt or squash our growth along the way. Hopefully, we’ll grow back stronger, thicker-skinned and even more vibrant the following year.」

魚翅瓜作為隱喻，反映七、八十年代香港移民的靭力，在異鄉的食材中尋找家鄉的味道；另一方面，將魚翅瓜種子從英國帶回香港，把英國的記憶帶回老家，令魚翅瓜這個外來物種，成為有「家鄉風味」的食材，甚至連Angela Hui都在魚翅瓜身上，找到苦難中成長的共悟。

雖然我今年種魚翅瓜不算很成功，但有種未為輸，明年繼續努力。

鎖匙

食完午飯，漫步到市中心新落成的圖書館參觀，藏書不多，但大都是新購的書籍，而且都是我喜歡看的書。有時候藏書太多，反而花多眼亂，就像在草原上捕食的獅子一樣，斑馬奔騰，獅子難以選定獵物，左追右逐，最後一無所獲。

我從哲學類的書開始，快速地瀏覽書脊，有幾本書都好想看的，特別是Penguin出版，必屬佳品。不過，我今日才第一次到訪圖書館，可不想這麼快選定要讀的書。我繼續沿書架遊走，經濟、社會、生態，到了植物那一層，很多關於英國園藝史的書，其中一本的書名把我的眼睛鈎住了。

我以為自己是書的獵人，原來我是書的獵物。

意外的花園（英文名稱The accidental garden），作者是Richard Mabey，我沒有聽過他的名字，翻開書頁，他談到英國人的花園只是人類以為能控制自然的幻像。Bingo，一矢中的，這就是過去兩年園藝課給我的感覺。英國的園藝課讓我踏進植物學的殿堂，我終於搞清科學命名的方法，亦開始對觀賞植物產生興趣。

不過，我內心的張力越來越大，總覺得這種太過刻意的花園設計非我想做的事情，這也是我沒有升讀第三級園藝課程的原因。

我捨不得把書放回書架，拿著書走到窗前，圖館書兒童角那邊傳來彈奏樂器的聲音，我喜歡有溫度的圖書館，大人細路都自在，不像香港圖書館那樣冷冰（不許做功課、不准拍照、不准這不准那）。

Richard Mabey寫自己在Norfolk花園做的放野實踐，我很喜歡他說的，not for the wildlife but with the wildlife，好像David Attenborough的Secret Garden（BBC One - Secret Garden, Trailer: Series 1）一樣，只要用心觀察，便會看到花園不是人類所有、而是和野生動物共享的。

太多人覺得花園是自己的財產，於是為所欲為，Richard Mabey說，這無疑是一種殖民心態：Whether you come armed with weedkiller or a charitable bug-hostel, you are in dominion over all the garden's other citizens. If this was a human community, we would call it colonialism.

回到家門前才發現鎖匙不見了，應該是看書太過忘形，鎖匙從褲袋掉到地毯上。我立刻跑到圖書館，問職員有沒有發現鎖匙。幸好，有人拾到鎖匙交給職員，她問我關於鎖匙的詳情，確認鎖匙是我的，便把鎖匙給我。感謝圖書館職員的幫助，我在英國遇到很多天使。

焦躁

朝早放工回來看到衣架上掛滿了外套，木椅上放了雜物，感覺好像走路時意外踢到木板那樣。回到書房，東西散落地上，我的心情便開始下滑。我是高敏的人，怕吵怕亂。聲音太多，我便會煩厭；事物不在本來的地方，我便要執拾。我喜歡先把東西分類、然後收納，物有其用，用不著的東西是一種浪費。別人若有需要，就送給人；若能回收，便讓合適的人升級再造。我最喜歡的是堆肥，用自己的微力、配合大自然的韻律，將廚餘轉化為生命力。

很想靜下來看書、寫字，但太多掛礙。收到學校電郵，要在某月某日之前完成開學的網上訓練，每年都要做一次Safeguarding training，今年還加入了Allergy and Food Intolerance，那些看似Common Sense但內裡藏著很多細節的事情，耗掉我不少精神。我越想快點完成，便越覺得網上課程進度緩慢。我定力不足，看了幾個單元便做其他事情了。

還未到12點，餓了。從廚櫃取出全麥麵粉，加入牛奶和少許鹽，簡單攪拌靜置十分鐘，開火，將粉漿倒進平底煎鍋，蓋上鍋蓋，為自己做煎餅午餐。

繼續做網上課程，看看時鐘，差不多兩點了，又走到雪櫃，取出前日買的Pork Shoulder，一輪的預備，洗肉、汆水、快炒、放洋蔥。K晚上要上課，四點前炆好豬肉，讓她出門前先吃晚餐。

回到電腦旁，繼續做網上練習。三點，豬肉炆好了。取出豬肉，開猛火收汁，將豬肉切成細件，放回煲內翻滾。煮秋葵、尖椒、烏冬，過水後加入炆豬肉，四點前吃完「晚餐」。之後邊做運動邊看《到海邊的路》，還剩下二十分鐘左右。我喜歡電影的構圖及攝影，有些畫面很有詩意，值得細味，不過電影的故事性不強，我要很專心才看得明白。

四點半後再做一輪家務，到後園整理過季的農作物殘枝。終於，完成了網上課程，我可能安頓下來，繼續讀梅頓的書了。青芽兒的文章，還是留待明天再寫吧，今晚想放空。

K的第二件花藝作品